


when life gives you lemons

by amuk



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Developing Friendships, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Plans, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:21:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25491562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amuk/pseuds/amuk
Summary: With the Battle of Eagle and Lion coming up, the Golden Deer needed to know Edelgard’s and Dimitri’s weaknesses. Luckily, Hilda and Claude knew just how to find it.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Claude von Riegan, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Edelgard von Hresvelg, Edelgard von Hresvelg & Claude von Riegan, Hilda Valentine Goneril & Claude von Riegan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	when life gives you lemons

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday Claude! This was written for the Claude: Tactician zine, which focused on Claude and his pranks. I love him, Edel’s, and Dimi’s could-have-been friendship, however little it was shown in the game, and couldn’t resist here.

Scanning the monastery’s garden, Claude smiled as he spotted Hilda seated near the gazebo. Or, to be more accurate, he smiled as soon as he saw the tea set spread on the small round table in front of her. Even from here, he could see the sun reflecting off the silver teapot. It was a beautiful set. It also most certainly wasn’t hers. Clasping his hands behind his head, he casually strolled over to her. “So which poor sap did you scam this time?”

Hilda didn’t bother to look at him when she answered, her attention instead on a plate full of perfectly formed scones. She replied, indignant, “How rude. I don’t scam.”

“Right.” Claude chuckled. The second they’d met, he had known that he’d found a friend for life. There were so few people who were clever with their words and actions, fewer still who were also up for some innocent mischief. Pulling out the second chair, he plopped down across from her. The metal was warmed from the sun, the weather finally picking up after all that cold. Leaning back in his seat, he raised a brow. “Who’s the poor sucker you _borrowed_ this from?”

Delicately, she picked up a scone and admired it. “A very gallant Ferdinand set this up for me.” She took a small bite, smiling brightly. “Lorenz generously provided the tea and snacks. I hardly expected this when they led me here. They’re both so very kind, don’t you agree?”

“Oh definitely. I’ll send them a thank you note later.” Claude snorted, amused. He wondered when the rest of the academy would wise up to Hilda’s ways; part of him was certain the answer would be ‘never’. Which was perfectly fine with him, it made information gathering so much easier. Pouring tea into his cup, he breathed in the aroma. “Rose petal again?”

“Lorenz has access to the best roses,” Hilda explained, taking a sip herself and moaning slightly. “I always pick my targets carefully.”

“Targets?” Claude teased, setting down his cup. The flavour was far too delicate for his tastes. He preferred stronger blends but then again, he wasn’t the one setting the table.

“Friends,” Hilda corrected without missing a beat. She smiled brightly. “Friends always help one another, don’t they?”

“If this is how you treat your friends, I’d hate to see your enemies.” Claude grinned back. Closing his eyes, he sighed. The sun really was warm against his skin. “I guess the weather really is changing now.”

“Yeah.” Hilda agreed, sipping her tea once more. Her fingers curled carefully around the cup’s handle, her elegant posture one of practiced ease. “I hate having tea when it’s hot out. At least we’re no longer in that musty room of yours.”

“Musty?” Claude glared at her, feeling put out. “I actually clean it, you know.”

“Oh sure, once a month?” Hilda shook her head disparagingly. “It’s always a mess.”

“A carefully organized mess.” Claude crossed his arms defensively. “You never know who might be looking.”

“Someone could have looked and you’ll never know, it’s so darned messy.” Hilda shrugged, unrepentant. “I’m glad we’re no longer meeting there.”

Claude clicked his tongue but there was no point in arguing about it anymore. They had this same disagreement every week. “Well, I’ll miss the privacy, but I suppose it’s easier to keep an eye on everyone here.” He glanced around the semi-empty garden, a few stray students strolling through it as they travelled from one part of the monastery or the other. What he really missed was the safety from eavesdroppers, but now that the weather had picked up, it would be strange if he and Hilda didn’t meet outdoors. 

“I don’t think you need any help in that.” She circled the lip of her cup with a finger. “That reminds me, though, the Battle of Eagle and Lion is coming up now.”

“It is that time of year,” he murmured, trying not to smile as they went straight to business. “It’s going to be a tough battle this year.”

“Dimitri’s pretty strong and Edelgard knows how to strategize. It really can go anyway.” Hilda set down her cup and leaned closer. Her eyes sparkled, an eager expression crossing her face, and she asked, “What are we going to do about that?”

“Welll…” With an identical smile, he leaned closer as well. “That is a good question. It’ll be a lot easier to answer if I know what their weaknesses are.”

“Weaknesses…” Hilda frowned. “Edelgard seems like she has none.”

Claude nodded solemnly. “That’s true, she does seem perfect. Still, everyone has one, you just need to find it.”

“Even you?” Hilda looked at him curiously, and despite how casual her words were, he could feel her probing. “What are yours?”

“Tell me yours and I’ll share,” he counter offered, side-stepping her query with practiced ease. When she didn’t reply, he added, “You know, I’ve always wondered what Edelgard looks like when she’s surprised.”

Hilda gave him a look but accepted the misdirect. Clasping her hands together, she hummed. “Yeah, I can’t imagine anything surprising her. Dimitri seems a little easier to rile up and shock, but he also gets over it so fast.”

“You know, he’s starting to figure out when I’m teasing him!” Claude scowled, his cheeks puffing slightly at the memory. “He used to fall so easily!”

“Maybe you’re just getting bad at it.” She always knew how to press his buttons. Ignoring the dirty look he sent her, she pulled out a small cloth bag. Just where she’d hid it, Claude had no idea. “That reminds me, though, I picked up something from Lorenz just now.”

“At the tea party?” So, that was her motive behind it. And here he thought she wanted to set things up for him. He took the bag from her and pressed it softly. There was something grainy inside. “Tea?” he guessed.

“A very sour one,” Hilda confirmed, lacing her fingers together and resting her chin on it. She pouted slightly. “I can still taste it now. It’s horrible.”

“I wonder if their highnesses have tried it yet.” Claude carefully pocketed the bag. While his tone was light, his mind was already whirling with possibilities. “I imagine their reaction would be immediate.”

“Oh definitely. It’s hard to not react when you’ve tasted it.” Hilda lowered her eyes, her lips twisting slightly as she sighed. “Unfortunately, Dedue and Hubert make their tea and there’s no way you can sneak it past them.”

“That’s true.” Claude paused dramatically. “But I happen to have a meeting with them today. It’s house head only, and, as luck would have it, _I_ am hosting.”

“Ohhh?” Hilda looked surprised. She was faking it, of course, and Claude didn’t know what to feel about the fact that he could read her so easily now. Or that maybe she could read him too. “Then perhaps you could use it.”

Claude shrugged nonchalantly. “Perhaps.”

-x-

For this knowledge-gathering task (which is what he’d call it if he were caught), Claude had everything on his side. The setting was the Golden Deer classroom, giving him a homefield advantage. As the one hosting it, he had control over the food and snacks, giving him ample time to prepare. Better yet, he didn’t have to worry about Hubert or Dedue alerting their house heads. Sure, Hilda wouldn’t be around either to witness this spectacular moment, but it was a much-needed sacrifice.

The only part he had to figure out was who to trick. He couldn’t get both of them at the same time—if only one cup tasted off, he could call it a strange accident. If it were two, they’d know immediately it was him. The only other option was giving all three of them the bad tea. Claude was willing to do many things for a prank, but self-destruct was not one of them.

Of the two, he ended up picking Edelgard. As Hilda had said, the emperor was impeccable.

Today, he’d finally see what made her tick.

When Dimitri and Edelgard entered the classroom, Claude smiled and gestured at the long table near the front. “I’ve already set things up for us.”

As usual, Edelgard looked apprehensive. The emperor didn’t know how to trust. Which, to be perfectly fair, was the right attitude for this situation, but still. She really needed to learn to loosen up. “It’s rare for you to be so well-prepared.”

“Well, Ferdinand and Lorenz helped a bit.” It was only a half-lie; he’d borrowed most of the spread from Hilda. “I can’t always look bad around you.”

Edelgard scrutinized him. He smiled easily under her intense stare. Giving up, she sighed, “See to it that you’re like this in our future meetings. It’s a waste of time otherwise.”

“You wound me, I am always prepared for out meetings.” Claude clutched his chest dramatically as he set down three tea-filled cups. Dimitri liked sitting on the edge, for easy escapes. Edelgard liked having her back against the wall, to be able to see everything in the room. And Claude was willing to adapt to whatever the situation would call for. “Let me just grab some paper.”

As he crossed over to the professor’s desk, picking up the materials he’d prepared, he listened to the sound of chairs scraping, of cloth rustling as his two companions sat down. All according to the plan.

“This looks good,” Dimitri murmured. There was a soft clink as a cup was lifted. “I don’t recognize the scent though.”

“It’s something from Lorenz,” Claude explained, turning around with a wide smile. “It’s a…” His expression froze at the sight before him. Dimitri was sitting where Claude should have. All in all, that wasn’t a bad thing, it didn’t really matter if they switched places. No, what made it worse was that perched where Dimitri should have been, was Edelgard.

She looked up at him, her eyes sharp. “Something wrong?”

Part of him wondered if she knew, if someone had been lurking about those bushes earlier. He couldn’t ask, of course, that would give the game away, but the answer would haunt him. “N-nothing.” Claude forced a smile as he slowly walked toward his doom. “As I was saying, Lorenz got some new samples and I wanted to give them a try.”

“He is a big tea drinker,” Edelgard mused, picking up a scone. “He and Ferdinand are often entertaining one another.”

“The tea-lovers club,” he joked, standing behind his seat now. There was no way around it, was there? He couldn’t even mention how odd it was that they’d all swapped places, because that’d bring attention to the matter. Steeling himself, he sat down on his chair. “Anyone from your house willing to join, Dimitri?”

Dimitri picked up one of the small cookies and shook his head. “No one is as enthusiastic as those two, though Annette has a thing for sweets.”

“Just like Lysithea then.” Claude tapped a pen against his paper, a wry smirk making its way across his face. “And Felix really hates sweets, right? What if they—”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Edelgard cut in immediately, her jaw tightening slightly as she looked at him.

Claude puffed his cheeks, protesting, “Hey, I didn’t even finish my sentence.”

“I know what you’re thinking and no. Especially not with the battle so close; tensions between houses are high enough as it is.” Edelgard took a bite from her scone. Somehow, it didn’t crumble and Claude wondered if she’d made a deal with a devil. There had to be a supernatural reason for her constantly immaculate state.

“Felix gets riled up very easily,” Dimitri agreed, his tone pensive. “However, I think the intermingling is a good idea. After the battle, maybe, to help ease any lingering feelings? It could help unite our houses.”

“Diplomatic as ever. Something like this tea party?” Claude cupped his cheek with a hand, leaning into it. “I didn’t realize you were so fond of us. Or is it just me?”

“What…” Dimitri spluttered, dropping the cookie as he flushed a bright red. “I don’t…”

“Am I wrong?” Claude teased further, watching as Dimitri ran through several shades of red.

Edelgard gave him an indecipherable look before turning to Claude. “Enough with the jokes.” Glancing at his cup, she raised her brow and asked, “Is the tea not to your liking? You haven’t sipped it.”

_Crap_. Claude strained to smile, picking up the cup as they both looked at him curiously. “No, not at all, I was just waiting for it to cool a little.” He lifted it to his lips, silently swearing as they watched. Did they not have anything better to do? Maybe they _had_ overheard. Bracing himself, he took a sip.

Immediately, a taste sourer than lemons hit his tongue and it took all of his strength to not gag at the taste. When Hilda said it’d be a showstopper, she hadn’t been kidding. Not even Edelgard would have been able to ignore this, and it was his lack of preparations that led to this waste. Forcing it down with a swallow, he coughed. “That…was something, huh?”

“Are you okay?” Dimitri asked, half out of his seat with concern. “You look unwell.”

“Perhaps a visit to Manuela,” Edelgard suggested, her brow knit as she glanced at her tea. “I thought the taste was quite pleasant.”

“It’s nothing,” he managed, wincing. Just what was this tea made of and who had made it?

“Let’s call off the meeting.” Edelgard stood up now, worry etched across her face as she reached over for his tea. “We can do this another time. It could be serious.”

“It’s just not to my taste, that’s all.” He waved off their concern, forcing his smile back in place. Claude batted off Edelgard’s hand before she could take the evidence. “Though, I didn’t realize you _both_ cared for me so much. I’m touched, I really am.”

Dimitri opened his mouth to argue before closing it and shaking his head. He sat down with an irritated shake of his head.

“If you can talk like that, you’re fine.” Edelgard scowled, returning to her seat. “Now that your theatrics are over, we should get back to actual important issues, like the upcoming battle.”

“How cold! Still, you can act like that, but I know the truth. You _care_ ,” Claude sang, discreetly pushing his teacup away from him. Well, it wasn’t a perfect cover up, but it worked out well enough. Besides, it might not be a weakness, exactly, but Edelgard had been concerned about him. On some level, he mattered to her. There was bound to be some way or another he could use that, even if only to further his own dream.

But, wow, he could still taste it. Maybe he could get another batch from Lorenz later (or rather, have Hilda get it again). It was way too good an item to not prank at least one person with.


End file.
